Adapted from the song by Tom Waits. Apple Music: Link Spotify: Link YouTube: Link Read more…
If trump wins the nomination, when the election rolls around, his advisors are going to inform him that brown Americans can vote and then he’s going to make that dopey skeptical face and lose.
It feels so nice to do my thanksgiving shopping without stress and without rushing on a relatively calm weekday. Sincere gratitude to my employer for mandatory holiday downtime.
@imc played Tituba in her school’s performance of The Crucible. It was awesome and she was super great. Chilling and moving. Picture time :) Read more…
Southwest: Yes! Bringing luggage is an implied aspect of travel so of course you can check bags. Some reasonable restrictions on size and quantity apply. Here let me take your bag!
American: Psh. Bags? Why do you need bags? Look, fine, maybe we can find some space somewhere in the hold idk. For $25 per bag I guess we’ll take them. Weirdo.
Southwest: We are very egalitarian here. Sit wherever you like! First come first serve of course.
American: Wait you are six foot three and would like a seat that isn’t unbearably awful? How bad do you want it? I see you have an Amex…
Cashier: Are you going to eat your cookie right now or do you want it in a bag?
Me: I would like to have it in a bag so I can set it on the table and imagine I will wait till after my food comes and then break down and eat it now.
LOL Link
REUSABLE HEADLINE: Twitter does a thing. Twitter users freak out.
Just have to wait for executive supreme sapphire members, snake charmers, and the criminally insane, then it’s MY TURN TO BOARD.
It dawns on me that “American” is a good name for this airline because the policies are ridiculous and everything costs extra.
I love all these voices so much. Read more…
Brace yourselves. BRILLIANT joke incoming…
We will be masters of genetic engineering when pigs fly.
My mother
Weird people
This was inevitable right? Also it was hard… Thanks to @imc and @sophster for the help! Read more…
Me: I’ve had like three or four lists trend this week. Not sure what happened.
Isabel: You did?!
When Legolas dances with that troll guy. So elegant.
When Kate from Lost smirks like she knows it’s all a dream.
The all caps dialog of Owen Meany
Cormac McCarthy’s spare punctuation around ornate sentences
You haven’t lived til you’ve taken a toddler on her first Halloween trick-or-treat outing. Oh @imc I remember it like it was yesterday. Read more…
This is my oldest extant list. I made it in a text document maybe 10 years ago, then copied it to my iPhone notes app, then a new app I used for a while, then Evernote, and recently back to the (improved) iPhone notes app. Read more…
The older I get the harder it is to tell if someone is dressed up as something I’ve never heard of or just has an interesting sense of style
Next time on GEOFF IS AN IDIOT find out how Geoff nearly blows up his face when he isn’t careful with his charcoal smoker. Will he finish the brisket? Will his hair ever look the same again? Tune in and find out!
Me
Don’t worry. I’m fine. My hair looks a little funny though. Sigh.
Zeno’s Tortoise Paradox
Hercules challenges a tortoise to a foot race. Seeing as he is Hercules he gives the tortoise a 100 yard head start. The race begins with the tortoise walking slowly and Hercules in an all out sprint. Soon Hercules has run 100 yards and reached the tortoise’s starting point. But by now the tortoise has walked ahead some. Hercules must now catch up to that point. When he does, obviously the tortoise has walked further still. It is clear Hercules can never catch up.
Galileo’s Paradox
9 squared is 81. 10 squared is 100. All the numbers from 82 to 99 are not perfect squares. In this way it can easily be shown that for every square there are many numbers that are not squares. But any number can be squared. So there is clearly one square for every non-square number. So there are both more non squares than squares and an equal number of both.
It’s a little cloudy out so of course I drove by three accidents on the way home from the airport.
You know the movie The Emperor’s New Groove? My girls loved the movie when they were little. I was talking to Sophie today (she’s 13 now) and she made these related confessions… Read more…
You can type anything into Google and it can show you all the web pages in the world that mention it ranked quite well by relevance. In milliseconds. From California.
There are little molecular machines in each of the billions of cells in your body unzipping your DNA, transcribing it, duplicating it, correcting errors, and stitching it back together again. Right now.
Squad
This is apparently not just cheerleaders although it is maybe kind of cheerleaders.
Jam
Not, apparently, fruit spread.
Before you start ask yourself, out of all the people in the world, how many are good enough? I don’t mean do calculus, or study statistics. I’m asking philosophically. What does it mean, fundamentally, if people—so far as we know the only things in the universe to which goodness really applies—aren’t mostly good enough for you? Now you’re ready… Read more…
This may be the dumbest nerdiest list I’ve ever made. It embarrasses me. Read more…
I bet “Office Manager” means something different at Microsoft.
I’ll put the people I love. You add you! Read more…
❌ I have a thing for leather clad ladies on motorcycles.
I mean I do, but that’s not why I switched.
❌ I appreciate the frank directness of the new CEO
I’m from the generation that assumes their real straight talking CEO is the invention of a marketing team.
Inspired by Link . I used to wonder why people cared about weather apps. Then I remembered you don’t all live here. Read more…
What?
This is weird.
Press hard on the keyboard when typing
It is life altering: you can move the text insertion point around easily and precisely without your finger getting in the way of your view.
Press hard on the edge of the screen when swiping right from the edge
Many people know you can swipe right from the edge to go “back” in whatever app you’re in. (Try it now! It works in The List App.) With the 6S if you press a little harder while doing this you can go back to the previous App instead.
“Like the swansdown feather, that stands upon the swell at the full of tide, and neither way inclines.”
“The city cast her people out upon her; and Antony, enthroned i’th’market-place, did sit alone, whistling to th’air, which, but for vacancy, had gone to gaze on Cleopatra too, and made a gap in nature.”
0-10 Years
Bike stunts gone wrong, jumping out of trees and off of swings, failed construction projects, building and floating custom “rafts”.
10-20 Years
Running injuries, crossing frozen creeks, attempting sports, fights.
You would pluck out the heart of my mystery.
Love this angry line from Hamlet. We all deserve a little mystery.
When valor preys on reason it eats the sword it fights with.
Inspired by @shanaz. I tried to do the boy version but I think I just ended up with the introverted jerk version instead. Anybody want to be my friend? Read more…
Rolled her eyes
Laughed at me
Anybody else who doesn’t mind sharing? Read more…
I try to do this but I miss some because I get busy. Sorry if I missed you. Read more…
