[ed: I wrote this utter nonsense as a very extended joke with a friend of mine. Enjoy.]
EXT. JUNGLE — DAY
A dark shape rocks gently among the foliage. The camera approaches and the shape resolves into the unmistakable outline of an Alien from behind.
The camera shakes and the Alien, still chewing a piece of some animal, turns its head, staring directly into camera as we…
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. SPACE SHIP
An exhausted Predator unslings a massive weapon from his shoulder and carefully returns it to its rest, then sits on the corner of his diamond plate bed. He picks something up from off camera and stares silently at it. A noise in the room startles him. He drops the unseen item, spins, and aims a handgun directly into camera as we…
FADE TO BLACK WITH WHITE TITLES
“In a world of darkness…”
Alien eye contact.
FADE TO A SERIES OF RAPID CUTS
EXT. BARREN LANDSCAPE — EVENING
A massive black mountain looms in the distance, dominating the frame. Lightening strikes offscreen.
EXT. EDGE OF MOUNTAIN — NIGHT
A dozen Predators, weapons at the ready, storm into a cave-like opening.
INT. CAVE
Blackness, the hint of massive bodies moving deliberately.
INT. CAVE — ELSEWHERE
Weapon fire shatters the darkness.
INT. CAVE — ELSEWHERE
An Alien raises its head to the ceiling in fury and screams.
INT. LARGE CAVERN
Scenes of battle erupt everywhere.
EXT. BARREN LANDSCAPE — NIGHT
The black mountain looms, as flickers of light are seen through pinprick cave openings in three or four places, accompanied by distant battle sounds.
FADE TO BLACK WITH WHITE TITLES
“In a world of pain…”
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
Charlie Anderson sits in a shiny orange hard plastic chair under bright fluorescent light. He grimaces. The lights flicker. Pan to his stomach, which he clutches.
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. HOSPITAL EXAMINATION ROOM
Charlie Anderson lays shirtless on a steel table, obviously in pain. His stomach flutters visibly.
FEMALE DOCTOR: (glasses, hair in a tight bun) “His counts are off the charts. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
MALE DOCTOR: (goatee, not ugly, but TV ugly, looks over his clipboard at the female doctor, says significantly) “I have.”
FADE TO BLACK WITH WHITE TITLES
“They were sworn enemies…”
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. ALCOVE OFF THE CAVERN
Signs of recent battle litter the area, and distant battle sounds can be heard. A wounded Alien stands against the wall, breathing with difficulty. A Predator several feet away nurses his own wound. Their eyes meet. They are both unarmed. The Predator bears the teeth of his three mandibles. The Alien looks down to the ground, then slowly back up.The Predator’s expression of anger falters as his growl softens to a threatening purr.
Suddenly, another Predator enters from the cavern and turns his weapon on the Alien. The first Predator leaps with a growl and shoves the Alien aside, shielding her from the attack. He engages the Predator in hand to hand combat, quickly and efficiently dispatching him.
(From the Alien’s perspective, slow motion) The Predator shakes off his rage, and turns his head to flex his neck. His dredlock-like tendrils rustle in the hot blast wave of a nearby explosion as he is lit from behind by an orange glow.
DOLLY ZOOM INTO ALIEN “FACE”
The battle erupts anew in the vast cavern behind him, shrapnel flying in slow motion, explosions, screams, and gunfire coming from every direction.
FADE TO BLACK WITH WHITE TITLES
“Born to fight.”
FADE TO
INT. ALCOVE — NIGHT
The Predator looks one last time at the injured Alien. He forces the weapon from the dead hands of the predator he killed and turns to re-join the battle.
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM — DAY
Morgan Freeman, wearing a lab coat, stands before a projection screen in a gorgeous brightly-lit conference room. Men and women in suits sit at the table, some taking notes. Security staff with mirrored glasses and earpieces stand at either side of the door.
MORGAN FREEMAN: “It’s not in their nature to love.”
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
Doctors are gathered around Charlie. The noise of robust argument fills the air. Tempers flare in the indistinct chatter. One doctor in a lab coat holds a massive turkey melt sandwich up to Charlie’s face. It dominates the frame such that you can barely see the doctor’s head above the crest of the bread.
DOCTOR: “You’ve got to feed a cold!”
CHARLIE: “Dammit! I don’t have a cold!”
He turns his head away in frustration, clenching his fists.
FEMALE DOCTOR: (to the room) “It could be gas.” (to Charlie, sweetly) “Do you think you might have gas?”
FADE TO WHITE WITH BLACK TITLES
“But this time it’s romance.”
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. SPACE SHIP
The Predator sits on the edge of his diamond-plate bed, contemplative. Zoom to his hands, which hold a framed photograph of the Alien. He places the photograph on the table, stroking the glass gently with the curved back of the enormous glassy black talon on his finger.
CROSSFADE TO
INT. BEDROOM
Charlie is asleep in his bed. Zoom out to reveal the Alien standing at the foot of the bed, breathing ominously. She holds an egg pod gently in her arms, like an infant.
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. LIVING ROOM — NIGHT
Charlie sits on his couch in the dark, staring into the distance, his hand gently rubbing his slightly-bulging belly.
CROSSFADE TO
INT. LIVING ROOM — MORNING
Charlie sits on the couch, his hand on his forehead, staring at the floor, a phone held loosely to his ear. A bead of sweat forms on his temple. He sighs. The golden morning light is just visible through the windows behind him, but Charlie is in shadow.
CUT TO
INT. KITCHEN
Charlie’s mother (who is an overweight Jew with a strong New York accent for some reason) speaks to the phone.
CHARLIE’S MOTHER: “Its just so unnatural, dear.”
Pause
CHARLIE’S MOTHER: “Well have you tried not having an alien growing inside your stomach?”
Pause
CHARLIE’S MOTHER: “I just mean…You could try is all I’m saying. For your Mother.”
CROSSFADE TO
INT. GROCERY STORE
Charlie, whose stomach is now visibly enlarged, adds cheap packaged foods to his grocery cart. He pauses at the end of the pet food aisle. Perspective is such that the meat counter at the other end of the aisle seems infinitely far away, the shelves and shelves of pet food, distorted and elongated, dominate the frame.
FADE THROUGH WHITE TO
INT. HOSPITAL EXAM ROOM
Charlie, shirtless and on the steel table again, looks with terror at the female doctor. Behind her, you can just make out x-ray film clipped to a light box showing a dark and difficult-to-discern shape.
CHARLIE: “What am I?”
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. RESTAURANT
Charlie and a beautiful woman sit opposite one another at a table. Charlie pushes back from the table and doubles over in pain.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN: “Charlie! What is it?!”
A closeup of Charlie’s face reveals a moment of panic, quickly replaced by steely determination.
CHARLIE: (with determination) “It’s time.”
He clutches his stomach again.
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. HOSPITAL PATIENT ROOM
Charlie lays in the bed wearing a hospital gown. Monitors flash and beep behind him.
Zoom out to reveal the Predator sitting on a mauve padded chair beside the bed, looking uneasy. The Predator places his talon in Charlie’s hand. Charlie squeezes.
PREDATOR: (in a faltering, alien voice) “Are you…comfortable?”
FADE THROUGH BLACK TO
INT. HOSPITAL PATIENT ROOM
Charlie’s face fills the frame, his eyes squeezed shut, teeth bared in agony, he braces himself against a terrible pain. Pan and zoom out to reveal hospital equipment. A harsh halogen light hovers over Charlie, washing out the frame. The Alien’s head appears as she leans over charlie. She presses her forehead to his, and the connection blocks the harsh light. The noises of the monitors and commotion fade. She slowly opens her cavernous mouth, revealing threatening fangs dripping with mucosal saliva. A smaller mouth, whitish, emerges from inside the large mouth, extending on the end of a long, inflexible, esophageal neck. The second mouth “stares” directly into Charlie’s eyes.
SECOND MOUTH: “PUUUUUUSH!!!”
FADE TO BLACK
“Alien Vs. Predator 2: Surrogate”