He’s finally listening to his advisors and softening his tone.
I didn’t actually see secret footage of Obama paying a ransom. It was actually a Samuel L Jackson film. But you know how all black people look the same?
I wasn’t actually angry at a crying baby. I was a baby once. Babies can be fantastic.
I don’t actually judge women exclusively by their sex appeal. I was just making a point about misogyny. You hysterical bimbos blew it all out of proportion.
I didn’t mean to imply your mama is so fat she took a bath in the pacific and caused the 2004 tsunami. I know your fat mom had nothing to do with it.
When I said soldiers are losers if they get captured I meant brown ones. John McCain, I am told, is white and therefore a hero.
I recently implied that race influences heroic status. That was not my intent. Even non-white people can do good things sometimes as long as they’re not Mexicans or Muslims.
Look, when I say Mexicans I mean illegal immigrants. When I say Muslims I mean terrorists.
Ok so my daughter tells me some illegal immigrants are actually kind of cool. The media has portrayed my recent comments as a racial attack on Mexicans. I think Mexicans are great. I have a lot of Mexican housekeepers.
There’s a vicious rumor going around that I implied people from Mexico are only suited to unskilled labor. This is not true. Being a housekeeper requires a lot of skill: gold polishing, diamond polishing, discretion, etc…
Ok so it turns out they let Mexicans be judges and stuff now. I thought Judges had to be American but I have realized the error of my ways and will refine my messaging.
Holy crap guys Mexicans ARE Americans.
Ok, I was a little mixed up. Americans are Americans. Mexicans are Mexicans. But some people who look totally like Mexicans can actually be Americans. This happens in the flyover states. Noted.
In a recent interview with Anne Coulter we feasted on the corpse of a clubbed baby seal. Please understand that I was assured by the producers that this was a clubbed adult seal or I never would have participated.
Clarification: When I said the elections are “rigged” what I meant, if you listen in context, was that even when I lose I’m still a winner. Buy my steaks.