As you know, marriage was undermined last week. Here’s my diary of the aftermath in this lonely post-marriage outpost. I hope there’s somebody left to read this.
Day 1: The beginning of the end
Surprisingly my marriage is still intact. But my wife is traveling with spotty cell service so it is possible she hasn’t been able to get through to me to call it off.
Day 2: Churching
Went to church today. Bishop reminded us that people supporting gay marriage are ok. Drove to the hospital to visit a guy with a toe problem and the guy I went with said it was a shame about the gays. But he’s kind of an idiot so I just let it go. All the married people seem to still be married.
Day 3: Back to work
Went to work today. I work for Apple which is like the biggest gay company in the world. The CEO is gay. Like 40% of my coworkers are gay. Their logo even used to be a gay rainbow back before it was cool. So it will come as no surprise that the apocalyptic influence of gay marriage has had no discernible negative impact on my job.
Day 4: Cracks in the fabric of society are beginning to appear
Found out from a neighbor today that the other neighbors are getting a divorce. IT IS UPON US. Actually they were apparently planning this months ago but I’m sure that was caused by gay marriage premonitions or something. I’m very scared.
Day 5: Together again
Never mind. I was wrong about my neighbors. They’re not getting a divorce. They’re just moving. We live in a pretty gay neighborhood though so it might be related. Side note: Never trust Phil for news. I think he might be one of them. Stupid Phil.
Day 6: Reunited and it feels so doomed
My wife got home from her trip today. Looks like so far we’re still married, but I can feel the sanctity being sucked out of our relationship as I write this.
Day 7: Nothing to report
I’m beginning to think the institution of marriage might survive this. It may just be Friday talking though. TGIF.