Spider Man was bitten by a radioactive mosquito instead
Rather than fight crime he just annoys people constantly. Signature move: Sneaks up behind you and hisses in your ear. Gear: Malaria-misters on his wrists.
Incredible Hulk was hit with alpha radiation instead
Still just Bruce Banner but kind of has a temper anyway.
Baby Superman crashed in Moscow in 1972 instead
He’s a fully indoctrinated communist. Olympics are now pretty much a joke. Cold War ended differently.
Batman’s parents were killed by the police in a botched traffic stop instead
Devoted his considerable mental and physical resources to prisoner rights. Nobody’s heard of him.
Black Widow was payed by Jennifer Lawrence instead
Still gorgeous. Still cool. Still strong. Still complicated. Still under-utilized in the marvel film universe.
Iron Man received proper medical care for his heart shrapnel instead
Obamacare FTW. Also, world is way safer without that guy blowing things up all the time.
Thor was the God of the Old Testament instead
Every time there’s a bad guy to battle he picks a few really righteous people, builds them a boat, and then floods the whole planet. Does not end well for all of us who are just pretty ok but not great.
Captain America was banned from crime fighting for using performance enhancing drugs
Earns a living on the pro wrestling circuit. Calls himself Colonel Confederacy. His popularity is seriously waning. The network is debating wether to cancel his contract or make him a caricature bad guy.
Ant Man is super strong like an ant, but proportional to his size instead
Stepped on.
Archived Post
This post is archived from my account on li.st, a social media app that shut down in 2017. Some posts have been edited slightly to fix typographical errors and correctly represent the gender of some individuals. You can view the full archive here.