You should not read this list.
When I feel someone’s breath on me.
This air was sucked deep into the meaty recesses of their lungs, parceled up into a million little pockets to maximize exposure to the moist mucousy membranes of their body and then splashed out into my skin.
When someone drinks milk.
Animals have all kinds of glands. Glands that spurt out lymph and puss and saliva and pituitary fluid (whatever that is). This was literally squeezed out of the sloshing glands of a dirty cow, like the worlds runniest ooze from the worlds biggest pimple and dribbled into your cup.
When someone sits on the floor in a public place.
Like sitting on the filthy sole of a giant shoe and besides somebody’s probably puked right there at some point in history.
When I’m stuck somewhere that smells bad.
Eventually I’ll get used to the smell so that I can’t even detect it anymore which means my nose is so saturated with whatever molecules are creating this awfulness that I’m practically swimming in it with every inspiration.
When I’m at a pot luck dinner.
[I will spare your innocent minds my unceasing thoughts on this one]