FREE TO AN UNSUSPECTING HOME
The two worst cats in the history of this good earth.
They will destroy the upholstery on your furniture without prejudice.
Your leather furniture will also be destroyed.
You will spend an ever increasing amount of time and treasure at the “container store” seeking something sturdy and complicated enough to hold their food, so that they can’t knock it over and pry it open when they decide it is feast day.
You will fail at this.
Likewise for cat litter which they inexplicably love to tear open, spill out, and spread all over the house.
Woe be unto you if you leave a cup on a counter, table or desk for they will seek it out and knock it over.
They will push your dishes off the counters.
They will find any bag of any kind, tear it open, and spread its contents thorough the house in the middle of the night. You will need to hide your chips, cookies, rice, and popcorn.
Note: They can open cupboards.
They WILL find the stuffing inside your pillows and release it from its bondage.
They will not sit on your lap, will not cuddle, and will not purr. But in exchange they will knead your face and present their anal sphincters with pride at 3:00 in the morning.
They will attempt to participate, tooth and claw, in your most intimate moments.
You will need to lock them away somewhere when you are setting out a nice dinner or they will dance in your salad.
Note: They can open doors.
One of them will hate any dolls and stuffed animals and for some reason will drown them all in his water bowl. He will find them, carry them to the bowl, push them as far into the water as possible, and hold them there with a sadistic look on his face. Repeatedly.
They urinate seven times the normal amount. You will smell this routinely burning through the cloying perfume of the litter (although you won’t be sure which smell is technically worse).
They will try to jump into the oven when you check on your turkey, and you will give a half-hearted “shoo” while secretly hoping they succeed.
You will hate them.
And most egregious of all, your children will love them. This will cause a constitutional crisis in your home.
Ugh fine I’m keeping them. Kill me.
